Flash's Experience in the Human World
by Flashownz
Summary: Flash has visited the Human world, and comes back to tell about it in a form of comedy. Each chapter shall have one act in it. I do not own any of Dane Cook's Performances. Final Chapter is Up.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Sega Characters, Sega does. I do not own Dane Cook's act "Bees and Sharks" Dane Cook does. I own Flash the Cat.

Sonic: Ok everyone, tonight we have our friend Flash, who just returned from the Human world to present to you a comedy act about his experience. Give it up for Flash!

(Applause)

Flash: Hello everyone, now I am going to tell you about my time in the human world, and let me tell you, these people were stupid, over their heads, and just plain rude. Now here is my first story. No offense to Charmy for this one.

Flash: You know, there are just some ways that when a tragedy happens, you laugh.

(Little giggling.)

Flash: Like who the F*** gets killed by bees?

(Laughter picks up.)

Flash: Like on the news they said "Yeah, todays someone got killed by bees" I just frickin laugh. Who gets killed by Bees? I mean if you are walking through the woods, you come to a bush, and you hear bzzzzzzz you just run away from that bush. Who is the idiot going "Hey, is that a bee? Here let me get closer OW! AHHHH! AHHH!"

(Laughter)

Flash: Dude screw that I would punch every bee in the Face.

(Laughter.)

Flash: Yeah, bee, come and get some, yeah screw you bee, where's the next bee at?

(Laughter)

Flash: I screw bees. I mean I can understand flying horses that is scary crap. Flies down on you and kicks you NEIGH! Screw bees. Screw bees.

(Laughter)

Flash: (Laughs to himself.) Did sharks get together and say "Let's start attacking people."

(Laughter)

Flash: The dude on the news said "Today a shark bit someone... and it let him go." So they bring him down to the beach, which is just where he wants to be, anywhere near the Ocean again.

(Laughter)

Flash: And the reporter goes "Why were you out there? What were you doing out there with the shark? Were you taunting it?"

(Laughter)

Flash: Yeah, sometimes I just go out in the water just to screw around with the sharks.

(laughter)

Flash: I shoot this thing called the Shark Rocket out into the water, and it really annoys them. Then I just wait there in the water. They come at me, but I am good at alluding them. I got this hip move, it's a thing porpoises do, I pretend I have a bottle nose, then I stab them in the gills, and it really is effective.

(Laughter)

Flash: And then she goes "Well how did you get away?"

Flash: And he says " I punched it... and it let me go."

(laughter)

Flash: Ok lets recap. A F***ing SHARK! Comes swimming through the water, sees this guy, bites down on him ARRGHH! This Guy punches the shark, and the shark goes "ALRIGHT!"

(Laughter.)

Flash: And tell me that there is anytime that you swim faster, than when a F***ing shark lets you go. You just "AHHHHH! AHHHH!" and when you are on the beach "AHHHH!"

Flash: And if you don't land some serious P**** with that story... "Yeah, see this bite, shark bit me. I punched it, and it tried to swim away. I grabbed it, punched it again. I said F*** you shark. Of course it sounded like Fuoke yeuo shaerk cause the water was in my mouth.  
(Laughter)

Flash: LATER!

Sonic: Ok, that was it. He will be back soon with more, if you think he should do more, then simply review. Goodbye!


	2. Elevators, Legacies, Cars, and Love

Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own any of Sega's Characters, Sega does. I do not own Dane Cook's "Legendado or The Elevator" Acts, Dane Cook does. I own Flash the Cat.

Sonic: OK! He's back and ready for more! So here is Flash!

(Applause)

Flash: Ok, so I'm by myself, I'm alone on the elevator. I'm standing there, and the doors open up. When they opened up, I saw 15 horrified looking people just horrified looking. They were all looking at this one guy who just started screaming "FINE! KISS MY A**! KISS MY A**!" So he backs into the elevator, he pushes a button, the doors close, and I'm alone with this guy.

(Laughter)

Flash: I was just standing there, like I was frozen in Fear. The dude looks over to me and he goes "BULLS***!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And I was just so scared, all I could say was "Yeah. Whatever you're saying man, I agree. You are right."

(Laughter)

Flash: And you know, when you are in one of those situations, how ideas come buzzing through your head? Like bzzzzzzzz. Well one thought that actually came into my mind for a second was "Ok. Maybe if I act more upset than this guy, it would kind of diffuse the whole situation."

(Laughter)

Flash: Maybe when he turned and said "BULLS***!" I would be like "YOU GOTTA CALM DOWN! ARRRGGHHH!" And maybe he would be like "Dude, It was me, I'm fine." "ARGGHHH! ARGGHHH!" "Dude, it's cool, I'm sorry."

(Laughter)

Flash: Everyone wants to have something they leave behind. Something that people will remember them by. Everybody wants to have a legacy. And you are probably saying "Flash I don't know tell me what to do." Well I will tell you. You don't have to do some grand huge thing. It can be something that you do on a daily basis. For example, I was walking down the street, and I saw a kid eating an ice cream cone. I ran up to him, and smashed it in his face. I said "YOU REMEMBER ME FOREVER!" and I ran into the woods.

(Laughter)

Flash: You wanna affect lives, then you do this. Next time you are at a party, everyone is having a good time, dancing and drinking, doing heroin, and everyone is having a blast... This is what I want you to do. Go into the room where they put the coats, you know, they just throw them on the floor, this is what I want you to do. Go to the bathroom on the coats.

(Ooohhhhh)

Flash: You will affect lives cause you know that at some point in the future, someone is going to come out of that room and say "SOMEONE S*** ON THE COATS!"

(laughter)

Flash: We all want to achieve things. And then we all want to be a part of someone else's achievements, Or maybe not Achievements. For example, what I have always wanted to see, from when I was just a little tot and I grew up, even up until now, something I got to see three weeks ago. Something I was so thrilled to see. I saw somebody get hit by a car.

(Laughter)

Flash: It was a blast. *WHAM!* *SPLAT!* This guy he got cracked, and he went flying through the air, like a techo character when somebody doesn't know the combos and just hits all of the buttons. It was fantastic. Here is how it went down. This guy is walking down the street, he's got his headphones on, walking like a queer, which I don't know what makes you walk like that, is it Maracas? He starts crossing the street, and he's got a "Not a very good time to cross" signal, and as he starts to go I see the car VROOM! Starting to come, and instantly, I'm like "YES!"

(laughter)

Flash: *POW!* This guy gets clocked, he's flying through the air, His Shoes flew off, I'm laughing.

(laughter)

Flash: This was how the guy landed, My favorite part of the story. He comes down, he flips over, he lands on his feet, he jumps up, and then he starts to walk around embarresed.

(laughter)

Flash: He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit by a car. Amazing.

(laughter)

Flash: People around him are like "OMG! Dude are you okay?" and he's like "Yeah, I'm fine, seriously, I'm a little bit hungry, but other than that I'm fine." "No dude, you need to sit down, you are bleeding from the ears." "I know, I do that, I empty the blood out of my head every three weeks, it's a tradition in my family. Has anybody seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy."

(laughter)

Flash: We all want to experience these things, but there is another thing on my list. Love.

(laughter)

Flash: I want to be a part of love, I want it to wrap me up, to hug me.

(giggles)

Flash: I was with a girl for a little while. (making fun of him and Fiona) We broke up. Clack. We broke up. One of the reasons we broke up, is she exaggerated everything. "Hey Flash, there was a fire at my house, and there was like, a thousand fire fighters outside my house." "No. There were not a thousand fire fighters. That would be way to many. They would be like "What are we all doing out here? There is like a F***ing Thousand of us!" "What do we do?" "I don't know maybe make a line there is like a thousand of us!""

(Laughter)

Flash: The second reason we broke up, is they wanted to bring our pet cat ( The domestic kind) to the dog park. We don't want cats in our dog park. Why? Because dogs have cool names. Like "Beast!" "Titan! Titan come here!" Nobody wants to hear "Captain Majestic! Captain Majestic! Simple Sensations! Come here!"

(Laughter)

Flash: What is love Flash? What can I explain to the crowd how it feels? Well I got it. I know how it feels. When you don't have love, and everybody you know is in love, it's like a party is going on, and everybody was invited except for you! And you just happen to be walking by that house in the rain! (pretends to wipe tears from eyes and walks away depressed.)

(laughter and aws) 

Flash: It is sad, but that is how it feels. But once you're in love, that's like being inside that party, going "Where the F*** is my Jacket I want to get out of here. I've been at this party for 60 years, and I want to see other parties, where is my jack- SOMEONE S*** ON THE COATS!"

(laughter and applause)

Flash: I've gotta get out of here, going on a date with Erm... someone. Tell your mom I said hi!

Sonic: Ok, please review!

Me: Oh, and my mom said I have to cut off my private messaging, cause she doesn't like getting emails about them, cause she gets them a lot, so I will talk Via Reviews now (by logging out and leaving messages as reviews and putting my name in so people know who I am.)


	3. Burger King and the Athiest

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sega Characters, Sega does. I do not own Dane Cook's Act "Burger King" Dane Cook Does. I do own Flash the Cat.

Sonic: Ok, here he is, Flash!

(Applause.)

Flash: We've all had some crappy jobs, right? We hate 'em, but we gotta do it. First job I had... Burger King.

(Someone laughs in the back)

Flash: (Fake laughs) HA HA HA!

(laughter)

Flash: I'll come up there man.

(laughter)

Flash: My brother got me the job too, my brother got me the job. He was the manager. He thought it would be cool right? Cause he's my bro? But he was a D**K!

(laughter)

Flash: He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying?

(laughter)

Flash: He would put me on the drive through every night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through? You know with modern technology, I'd be sitting there with my little headset "Hello sir, how may I help-" "WHOPPER!"

(laughter)

Flash: "Sir I can hear-" "WHOPPER NO ONIONS! LARGE FRY!" "Uh, listen chewbacca... I'm bleeding from the ears here Bachino let's calm down. We are dealing with food here, not missiles governor, now DRIVE AROUND!"

(laughter)

Flash: I would have rather the people yelled, than when the people didn't talk loud enough. That drove me crazy. You know there would be ten cars outside "Hi mam how may I help you?" " (whispering) a soda, a burger, a large fry, and pickles." "Mam hello, are you th-" "(A little louder) I want a large for the shakes, and the pickles, and the large shakes, and the pickles, and the pickles, and the pickles." "Ok mam, apparently you want some pickles. Mam are you trying to molest me via drive through? HELLO!" "Chicken Tenders... Sweet sauce all over my body..." " (nose bleeding) Ok mam drive around SOMEBODY GET SOME SAUCE NOW! COME ON! SHE WANTS IT HER WAY!"

(laughter)

Flash: Ok, a sneeze started this whole thing. I was sitting there on a bench, minding my own business, when this dude sits down, looks over to me, and sneezes like this "FLAHHHH!" And I said "God Bless You." That is what I said I said "God Bless You." Which is god bless you, but it sounded like "Cover your F***ing mouth."

(laughter)

Flash: And so this dude looks over to me, and very condescending, he says "Yeah (wipes his nose) Umm, I'm an atheist."

(laughter)

Flash: So I'm sitting here, trying to be polite like " I didn't know that you were an atheist, and what do you say to an atheist when they sneeze?" "Uh, nothing happens when you die."

(laughter)

Flash: So he says "What do you believe happens when you die?" So I say "Well, Hopefully I have lived a good life, and my soul will go to heaven." So he starts laughing like "Oh, you believe this stuff? oh that's rich." So he is sitting here, laughing at my beliefs, so I just snap and go "Ok, what do you believe? What do you believe will happen when you die!" And then he gets all serious like he is going to school me. And he says "I know what happens when I die. When I die, my body will become one with this Earth, and I will become a huge beautiful tree!"

(Laughter)

Flash: You know what? I hope he does become a tree. Cause wouldn't it be great if while he was sitting there, enjoying his treeness, that a big sweaty guy with an axe will come marching through the forest. Sees him. **THWACK! THWACK!** Chops him down, chains him up, drags him through the mud and the muck, throws him in the grinder, and pounds him into paper. And when he is pounded into paper, you print the bible on him.

(laughter and applause)

Flash: Ok, I gotta go, tell your mom I said hi!

Sonic: Please review! He will be back probably tomorrow.


	4. Cars part 1

I do not own the Sega Characters, Sega does. I do not own Dane Cook's acts. Dane Cook does. I own Flash The Cat.

Sonic: He is back! Here is FLASH!

(Applause and Cheering)

Flash: So get this right? I'm driving along man. I'm driving and as I'm driving, I'm driving safely. I'm obeying the rules... of the road. Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go... "Ok, you got it, sign." Right so I'm driving safely, and all of a sudden a guy in another lane, completely oblivious to me, starts coming into my lane. JUST COMING IN and if I didn't see him coming... accident. But because I saw him... AH! I say HEY! Right? I see, I assess the situation. I see asses the sit you aye shun.

(Laughter)

Flash: And then I eased on the brake. As he's coming I ease. And I said what anybody here automatically says when this happens. You can't help it. It just comes out, ready? ready?... Um, Hello?

Flash: Um, Hi? Hello? Unless you're a gangster, if you're a gangster it's a little different. If you are a gangster, it's "Check out this Mutha F***a... Check out this mutha F***a." If you're Japanese it's (**SCREECH!) (CRASH!)**

(Laughter)

Flash:... So that's... that's nice.

Flash: I got in this car accident recently, right? NOT MY FAULT! This car accident was not my fault. Right but you know how it goes... get in a car accident even if it is not your fault. The other person, they get out of their car and look at you like it's your fault. Even if it is CLEARLY their fault they get out.

(Laughter)

Flash: They're like "Alright? Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80?"

(laughter)

Flash: "WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?"

(laughter)

Flash: You go and you start looking at the damage. You start looking, keep looking at each other and back at the damage. "Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir? If we look together maybe something magic will happen."

(Laughter)

Flash: "This is horri-FEEL THIS! This even feels damaged! Do you have tools? Can you fix this right now? This is horribly- This feels so horribly damaged. Even if I was blind I would know this is horribly damaged by the way it feels."

(Laughter)

Flash: Then you gotta exchange the information right? That sucks cuz nobody ever has a F***ing pen.

(Laughter) 

Flash: You stand there "Do you have a pen?" "I don't have a pen." "Can you remember all my S***? Do you have lipstick or something? A Crayon?" 

(Laughter)

Flash: Right? So when you FINALLY get something... Here is what happens. You finally get information going and you print your stuff, all nice and clean. "There you go... There's my Information." I Highlight, every is thing's nice. You hand him the information. It's in an envelops. Ugh yeah nice and- but then you get their information and it looks like they were having a F***ing seizure while writing it.

(Laughter)

Flash: You're like "Dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy."

(Laughter)

Flash: "And under name, you drew a picture of a monkey F***ing a coconut. What is that? Is your name Monkey F***ing A Coconut sir? MFC? Is that you?"

(laughter)

Flash: "That's a monkey... that could be a melon, looks like a coco-nut." Then you take a second... Here's where it starts getting embarrassing, right? You take a second while you're doing the exchange. You just look around for a second and there's people **EVERYWHERE.**

(Laughter)

Flash: They're like building bleachers on the sidewalk and S***. People coming out of bushes.

(Laughter)

Flash: "What? Accident? I'm gonna watch for a while! Wow! They're discussing it right there!"

(Laughter and Applause)

Flash: Ok guys, next act is going to build on this one. Later!

Sonic: Ok, Please review!

Me: I know this was short but the next chapter builds on this one.


	5. Cars Part 2

Disclaimer- I do not own the Sega characters, Sega does. I do not own Dane Cook's acts. Dane Cook does. I own Flash the Cat.

Sonic: Continuing from last time, here is Flash!

(Applause and cheering)

Flash: On Earth, we were obsessed with car accidents! I know you're like me, right, it's like 2:00 in the morning, it's dead quiet, you're in bed watching T.V., it's all quiet... Then all of a sudden outside at the corner you here **SCREECH!** "D*** IT! S***! That sounded like it was going to hit!"

(Laughter)

Flash: You always want it to hit! **SCREECH!** "COME ON! NOTHING!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And then when you finally hear the crash, you're psyched, it's like **scree...BANG!** "Where are my shoes, YES!, Where are my shoes?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Have you seen my shoes? F*** it, I'm going out without shoes... I'm going shoeless." Right, you come out of your house, all your neighbors are coming out, right. You're waving at each other, you're psyched to see each other. You're like "Come on. Wanna go together? Come on, let's go... you, me, and you, no no, you wait for the next group."

(Laughter)

Flash: "Come on! We'll go as a team, NO! YOU WAIT FOR THE NEXT GROUP!" And then you get out there, it's no big deal, but everyone stands out there for two extra hours. It's over, no one is hurt or anything, but everyone has to stay out there!

(Laughter)

Flash: Even it's hot everyone has to act like they are cold and S***. (deep breathing) "Hey, what's up? Just had to see what's going on. (Heavy breathing)" And it doesn't matter who you start talking to, I guarantee everyone is having the exact same conversation.

(Laughter)

Flash: No matter who you get into it with, all anybody is saying like back and forth is "Yeah, yeah, well no, I was in my kitchen and I heard it, so I came out. You were in your living room? I was in my kitchen, cleaning a dish, and I heard it so I came out. What, you were in your basement, he was in his living room... I was in my kitchen, cleaning a dish, I was really cleaning and I heard it so I came out."

(Laughter)

Flash: "What? Shoes? NO NO! F*** SHOES! HE HE SHOES! AHAHA, Listen to this guy with shoes, HA HA HA YOU! shoes over here."

(Laughter)

Flash: And everybody wants to be a part of the police, you know what I mean? We want to be involved, you know, we want to talk to the cops when they come near, you know? "Officer, uh, I'm sorry, I just want you to know, if it helps in your investigation, I was in my kitchen and I heard it so I came out. I will testify in court, I was cleaning a dish."

(Laughter)

Flash: "I will bring the dish as exhibit A. And this guy, he was in his basement, tell him what you told me! Tell him what you told me!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "That's not what he told me, he's lying. That's not what you told me!"

(Laughter)

Flash: You should have seen that clip they were showing on the other day on uh ESPN or whatever. They were showing the best crazy accidents or something. It was like the best of the worst car, you know. Like they showed this one clip. Man, if you saw this, this was nuts. Two cars, go around the corner and they like catch each other and they start to roll. The tire flies into the stands, and hit's a woman in the face! And when you first saw it you were like "OOOOHHH That tire just hit that woman in the face!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Oh good, they're showing it again. Look look look look at this right here. Slow it down... Yeah that's when it hits her in the face."

(Laughter)

Flash: And the funny thing is everybody around the lady like dove out of there. Everyone got out of there but she just sits there. You see everyone dives at the last minute as the tire is rocketing at her face. This is her defense. She goes "OOOOO" Like she's gonna get in a slap fight with a Goodyear. Like she's gonna go PAH! and deflect it. Or maybe she just palmed it PAH! There can only be one highlander! Tires cannot defeat me!

(Laughter)

Flash: What a horrible way to go... "What happened to Mary?" "A tire... hit her in the face." How do you say that without laughing. A tire- I can't even do it now!

(Laughter)

Flash: "How did Mary die?" "A TIRE hit her in the FACE!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "What was she doing putting her face near tires?" "No no no no this tire hunted Mary down."

(Laughter)

Flash: This tire murdered Mary. This Tire wasn't F***ing around as we like to say. This tire was out for vengeance."

(Laughter)

Flash: "I don't wanna die with a tire hitting me in the D*** Face."

(Laughter and Applause)

Flash: Alright guys, gotta go. See ya!

Sonic: Please review!


	6. Drowning, Burning, and KoolAid

Disclaimer: The only thing I own in here is Flash the Cat ok, so yeah here we go...

Sonic: Flash is back and he has more! Here he is!

(Applause and cheering)

Flash: No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst, cause everyone knows that feeling. (Right Sonic?) That feeling you get, oh it's the worst when you think you're drowning. Like during the summer, you're like at a pool party or something.

Flash: I'm gonna go into the deep end. Watch me dive. Watch my dive" Right? Then you dive in. **SPLASH! **And the second you get to the bottom you're like "GET ME OUTTA HEEERE! WHERE'S THE SURFACE!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And then you always come up under the kid on the raft. "Holy crap Timmy! Do not float above me when I'm Dying in the Abyss!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Your son almost killed me with his Daffy Duck raft over here John. Your son tried to murder me in your pool. Float away from me. Float away."

(Laughter)

Flash: Fire. Has anyone here ever been engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot.

(Laughter)

Flash: That is way to F***ing hot. It's the worst feeling when you burn yourself too. You know, sometimes you're making sure soup or some oodles of noodles or something, or you're cooking up some crack.

(laughter)

Flash: And you know, you touch the side of the pot. Just that little **TSSS**. "WOAH! That, F***ing kills!"

(Laughter)

Flash: That little thing, you can't take a shower for like three weeks. You gotta like hold your hand out cause the steam makes you angry.

(laughter)

Flash: You try to bring your hand in, "OOOOO! I HATE STEAM! WHOEVER INVENTED STEAM SUCKS!"

(Laughter)

Flash: You know what would be the worst? This would be the ultimate worst right here. What if you dove into the pool, and while you were at the bottom of the pool freaking out, somebody poured oil on the surface and lit it on fire!

(Laughter)

Flash: Yeah, and then you're like, "AHHHH!" You gotta just keep swimming around, feeling for a spot where there's no F***ing fire. Then, what if you found a circle where there was no fire, but the second you came up a big dude just punched you in the face.

(Laughter)

Flash: "GET BACK IN THE FIERY WATER! You don't come out of the fiery water, cover up that hole with some fire now! GET BACK IN THE FIERY WATER!"

(laughter)

Flash: I remember what dream used to scare me when I was a little kid. It used to actually totally give me nightmares: Remember those Kool-Air commercials?

(Laughter)

Flash: Where that big talking bowl of punch would come crashing through your F***ing wall in your living room? You wouldn't even know it. **CRASH!** "Oh Yeahh! Oh Yeahh! Oh Yeahh!"

(Laughter)

Flash: Right? And the little kids were all excited, "Yes! Yes!" And then they would drink out of him after debris fell into his open, dumb head. He would pour himself, "Oh Yeahh! Oh Yeahh!"

(Laughter)

Flash: Him and his crazy tights. I don't like that. I don't like when Juice wears tights.

(Laughter)

Flash: It's a horrible combination, a bowl of juice wearing tights.

(Laughter)

Flash: F*** drinking out of him, if that was me, I'd be like "No no no. You fix that wall before my dad gets home from work. He's going to beat me with a belt."

(Laughter)

Flash: "He's not gonna believe a talking bowl of fruit punch came in here. You stupid Idiot."

(Laughter)

Flash: Yeah, coming through the wall is real F***in cool. Using the front door is cool, DON"'T TOUCH ME YOU DRINK!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Don't touch me you giant twisted beverage! You are sweating and condensating, I will kick you in the tights and you will go down, your very top heavy."

(Laughter)

Flash: "You glass B****. You glass B******." "Oh Yeahh!" "Oh no. Naughty, naughty kool-aid."

(Laughter)

Flash: "Oh Yeahh?" "No." "Oh Yeahh?" "No." 

(Laughter and applause)

Flash: Later guys!

Sonic: Ok, please review!


	7. Firemen, Police, and kids

I'm getting really tired of these disclaimers. You know I do not own the Sega Characters, nor do I own the acts used in this, so I am going to stop putting them in. That works for ya? Huh? ok then. Oh yeah, and this is going to be a pretty short chapter.

Sonic: He's back for more, It's FLASH!

(Applause and Cheering)

Flash: When I was a little kid, I thought I wanted to be a fireman. No offense to my girlfriend.

Blaze: None taken.

Flash: Ok. Did you wanna be a fireman when you were a little kid? People ask you "What do you want to be?" "I wanna be a FIREMAN!" I didn't really want to be a fireman. I thought I did. I just really wanted to spray S*** with a hose. That's what I really wanted to do.

(Laughter)

Flash: I wanted to be like a spray-man. No, I was F***ing good. I'm not laughing. I was really good with the hose.

(Laughter)

Flash: I could make it look like it was raining. If you closed your eyes, you would think it was raining. That's how good I was.

(Laughter)

Flash: You'd be like "Oh my gosh it is really raining. It's very cold rain." That's how good I was and I'm not laughing. You're laughing? I'm not laughing.

(Laughter)

Flash: I could not be a fire- If I go to a house, and it was on fire, "F*** that I quit!"

(Laughter)

Flash: I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else. And then the woman next to me would be like "Please, my son, he's screaming in there." I'd be like "Well, he's probably on fire."

(Laughter)

Flash: That is what happens when you're on fire lady- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE? You F***ing think for yourselfer! Why didn't you make a map for him or something?"

(Laughter)

Flash: A policeman. I don't know how they do that job man. What about those cops in New York. I just saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York, these cops freaked out, and they shot at this guy like 15 times cuz they said they thought he had a grenade... He was eating a pear!

(Laughter)

Flash: HOW DO YOU F*** THAT UP?

(Laughter)

Flash: Unless he was eating like "OOOOOOO! THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!"

(Laughter)

Flash: I think of the day that my son or daughter will call out to me in the night. They will be like "Daddy? (whines) Daddy co- can you-co- Father?"

(Laughter)

Flash: No wait I want them to call me captain let me start over.

(Laughter)

Flash: "Captain? Captain come to me."

(Laughter)

Flash: So I walk in and I would be like "Hey... what's going on... what's going on sweet spirit?"

(Laughter)

Flash: (Looks awkwardly at everybody) You're Laughing? That is a beautiful name for my child! Sweet spirit? And you are laughing? Are you kidding me?

(Laughter)

Flash: So I'd be like "What's going on sweet spirit?" And she would be like "There's a m-monster under my bed." And I'd be like "Hey, look at daddy. Earlier this afternoon, I walked into your room, and I said 'You know what? I'm gonna take a gander under your bed.'"

(Laughter)

Flash: "So I got down on my daddy hands and knees, lifted up the sheet, and you know what? What I saw wasn't a monster, no. It was your hopes and dreams."

(Laughter)

Flash: (nods) "They are so happy that they are going to meet you one day that they hop around with glee."

(Laughter)

Flash: "So I don't want you to be scared. There are no monsters under your bed. Only good things, and love. Now there is one other thing I wanna tell you... I looked in your closet, and there is some pretty F***ed up S*** in there!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Don't even open the door!"

(Laughter and applause)

Flash: Ok, I'm gonna go! Later!

Sonic: please review.


	8. Final Chapter

**Ok, this chapter should be pretty long, as I am making this the final chapter. I do not own the Sonic characters or these comedy acts. Enjoy!**

Sonic: Back for one last time, here is Flash!

(Cheers and applause)

Flash: The other night, my friends tried to take me out to a club. They were like "Come on man. We gotta go. Tonight." And I was like "No, I don't wanna go out tonight." And then he said "Come on man, let's go get some chicks!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Really? Just like that?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "What about that whole middle part, where you're an IDIOT?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "No man, let's go get some Chicks!"

(Laughter)

Flash: Guys, we go to the club because, that's where you go, the girls go. Girls go there, to dance.

(Giggles)

Flash: They are like "Come on, Mary, let's go out and dance. Let's just- F*** guys tonight."

(Laughter and applause)

Flash: "Let's just stand there, in our shoes, and our pocketbooks, and let's just dance. And if guys come near us, we taser them. *ZZT!*"

(Laughter)

Flash: You won't find a guy going "Hey Michael, I wanna go dance tonight. Chicks? No, I just wanna express myself through the art of dance. I don't wanna see a chick."

(Laughter)

Flash: Sit there, at the back of the club, watching you "She's mine! SHE"S MINE!"

(Laughter)

Flash: (Chuckles to himself) It's not like the old days where you would walk up and say "May I have this dance please?"

(Laughter)

Flash: Now it's "Hey, PA! Do you mind if I knock against you? PA! PA! Like for about an hour? PA! PA! PA!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And you would just be standing there, the lights are flashing, so you can't see anything. "What? Is he good looking? Is he F***ing ugly? What is this?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "If he's good looking it's fine, but if he's ugly..."

(Laughter)

Flash: If he's ugly, you turn to your friends and say " (Whispering) Help me..."

(Laughter)

Flash: "Oh, thank you so much, but no..."

(Laughter)

Flash: I am a young person, but I say the music at the clubs is too loud. That one beat playing all night. POW! POW! POW-POW-POW! And you're dancing, but in the back of your head you're thinking 'This music is a little loud.'

(Laughter)

Flash: 'I would enjoy this more if it was just a little bit quieter. Just a little bit.'

(Laughter)

Flash: But that's when you realize that it's loud because you're dancing right in front of the F***ing speakers.

(Laughter)

Flash: You're like "Oh S*** we're dancing right in front of the F***ing speakers."

(Laughter)

Flash: And there is music playing in the bathroom. You're like "How did I get in the woofer?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "They should put up a sign that says 'The Woofer.'"

(Laughter)

Flash: "That's not the bathroom, that's The Woofer, don't go in there, cause this is the bathroom."

(Laughter)

Flash: So you are dancing with that beat POW! POW! POW-POW-POW! SOMEBODY SCREAM!

(Laughter)

Flash: And then the lights come back on, the music stops, and all you can hear for three days is !

(Laughter)

Flash: Your friends try to talk to you "Mrph Nurmph mrph mrph nurmph. Nurmph? MRPH NURMPH!"

(Laughter)

Flash: You notice whenever you approach an ATM, you gotta do the mission impossible? You're just like (Sneaks around the stage).

(Laughter)

Flash: I love it how you make it look like you are pressing more buttons than you actually need to. Like someone will be looking through the telescope, and you're like "I have a 14 digit code!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And don't you love the loud machines? You put your amount in, and then PFFT PFFT PFFT PFFT PFFT PFFT PFFT PFFT!

(Laughter)

Flash: "IT'S JUST 20! ALL ONES!"

(Laughter)

Flash: You can't be happy when you go to an ATM. With all of those people in line. "Entering pin!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "English! Ha ha!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Withdraw!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "One Hundred Dollars-" That's when everyone beats you up.

(laughter)

Flash: I remember when I was a kid, do you remember that Nesquick stuff? You know, you pour in the powder, and you stir for like, half an hour, and no matter how hard you stir-

(Laughter)

Flash: There's always a magma bubble floating up to hit you in the face. You try to take a sip "AHHH! I JUST GOT HIT BY A SAND MISSLE!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "The movie Dunes is in my cup. I don't like it when The Dunes are in my cup."

(Laughter)

Flash: So I tried something different. I took the powder, and I snorted it.

(Laughter)

Flash: I heard something about speed, so I did it. And I would have strange dreams too. You know, cause I was "Hopped up on the Q" as we said on the streets.

(Laughter)

Flash: "Sure... I will play kickball... Tomorrow. I am not feeling the kickball in me right now."

(Laughter)

Flash: I don't care where I look in this room, I can see you guys, happy faces, happy people, and yet... pretty soon... maybe today, maybe in three weeks... (Runs hand down face and frowns)

(Laughter)

Flash: And here's the thing, there's those times when you need to cry, I mean like a REAL cry. I'm talking about you need to open your soul, and have a weepathon.

(Laughter)

Flash: And usually you don't even know it's comin. It'll just hit you at work one day. You'll just be at work, and you won't really understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling. You're just walking around, in kind of a haze. People talk to you, and you aren't even expecting anyone to communicate with you, so when they tap you you're like "(Voice cracking) What?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Yes? What can I do for you?"

(Laughter)

Flash: But you don't know. You don't realize that you need to cry. All the weight of the world is on your shoulders, maybe family issues, maybe it's your relationship, whatever it is, you're heavy. And you're walking around your job, and sometimes, you don't cry, but those... Pre-cry breaths?

(Laughter) 

Flash: You're talking to somebody "I don't think the copy machine's working because it (huff huff huff)"

(Laughter)

Flash: "It was working (Huff huff huff huff) Earlier."

(Laughter)

Flash: Somebody goes "You alright? You look like you're gonna cry." "No, I'm not going to cry."

(Laughter)

Flash: "I'm just concerned that, the toner, in this machine, and it not being re(Hiccup) built."

(Laughter)

Flash: "(Huff Huff Huff) I have asthma, but it's kind of a strobe like asthma (Huff huff huff)"

(Laughter)

Flash: And you're wondering 'What is wrong with me? What is happening? What do I need to do to get rid of this feeling?' And then you get a tap on your shoulder, a tap, and when you finally turn around, you know who is there? The world.

(Laughter)

Flash: The world. Right on your shoulder going "Hi, What's up?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "I don't know if we've met, but I'm the F***ing world. And I just wanna let you know something."

(Laughter)

Flash: "(Whispering) You're gonna cry."

(Laughter)

Flash: And you go "Thanks world." And you go "That's what I need to do. I am gonna go home today, and cry." But you gotta hold it in the whole day. The whole day you're thinking 'When I get home, oh, I'm gonna do it. I am doing it."

(Laughter)

Flash: Even on the drive home, you think 'Maybe I'll cry a little on the way home. I'll squeeze out some of the tears in the car."

(Laughter)

Flash: But you don't, you don't ever cry in your car, because as you're driving, you think that you are the center of the universe."

(Laughter)

Flash: Right? If you're driving, everyone is going to look at you, you're crying, and people are going to go "**AH HA!**"

(Laughter)

Flash: "BLUE HONDA, DUDE WAS CRYING! YOU SEE THAT? Turn around, we're gonna follow that guy."

(Laughter)

Flash: "(Meep Meep Meep) (Runs hand down face) AH!"

(Laughter)

Flash: "What's up wet head? AH!"

(Laughter)

Flash: (Chuckles) So you don't cry in the car. So you get home, and you know, you just gotta unload. And it really sucks when you live with somebody, maybe relatives, maybe roomates, and you're hoping nobody's home. Really praying nobody's there, because the second you walk into that house, you know you are ready to collapse into tears.

(Laughter)

Flash: So when you open the door, you gotta do like a test "Hey! What's Up? Anybody Around?"

(Laughter)

Flash: You get like three seconds of silence, of it's ok to cry silence, Three, two, one and you just explode.

(Laughter)

Flash: And you fall right against the couch "WAH HA HA!" AH HA HA!" And you cry F**ing hard too.

(Laughter)

Flash: Then when you are crying, it starts to feel good that you are crying like that. What you do is you just latch on to that one phrase that you repeat over and over again.

(Laughter)

Flash: Just something that means something to you, like "I did my best, (Inhales) I did my Best!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And then you think someone's coming in, you go "AH HA (Turns around) Hello? (Wipes face)"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Heyyy, What's up?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Nobody? AH HA HA!"

(Laughter) 

Flash: And as your face is leaking different fluids, you are fascinated that you are crying, that it makes you want to cry harder, so you think of random S*** that makes you sad."

(Laughter)

Flash: Like in the 9th grade, Laura didn't invite you to the party, but invited everybody else in the F***ING SCHOOL!

(Laughter)

Flash: You're like "WHY DIDN'T SHE INVITE ME? (Inhales) WHY DID SHE INVITE EVERYONE BUT ME? I DID MY BEST! (Inhales) I DID MY BEST!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And now, you are crying so hard, you have to get up, go to the mirror, and watch yourself cry.

(Laughter)

Flash: AH HA! LOOK AT ME! AH HA HA!"

(Laughter)

Flash: And you just cry, and you don't know how long it's going to last. It could last 15 minutes, it could last all day. IT COULD LAST THREE F***ING WEEKS! (Added that part in)

(Laughter)

Flash: One time, I cried so long, I checked my Emails.

(Laughter)

Flash: I brushed my teeth mid crying. I went "Rah uh Ahhhh... Ah Ha (**spit)** ahhhhhh"

(laughter)

Flash: You know what's really weird, the phone always rings when you're crying.

(Laughter)

Flash: And what's strange is you answer it.

(laughter)

Flash: You don't want the world to know you're crying, and you answer the phone. I think it's like you're subconsciously reaching out. You want somebody to help you. You pick it up and you try to disguise it. "(Sniff sniff) Hello?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "(Whines) Hey man what's goin on? What's up?"

(laughter)

Flash: "What's goin on. No i'm not crying you fag, shut up."

(laughter)

Flash: And then the person calling always says something that touches your heart. "Yeah man, I just wanted to call you, and let you know you did your best today."

(laughter)

Flash: "(Holds phone away and whines) Thanks dude!" "Oh, and I just wanted to let you know, I talked to Laura from 9th grade..."

(Laughter)

Flash: "And she says she regrets not inviting you to that party." (holds phone away and whines again) "Ha ha ha!" (Does it yet again.)

(Laughter)

Flash: "No S*** I was just thinking about that" (Holds phone away and whines.)

(Laughter)

Flash: DO NOT Talk to your mother and father when you cry.

(Laughter)

Flash: Because what happens is your mother has the power to make you feel weaker, and your father makes you feel like a F***ing idiot.

(laughter)

Flash: You call your mom you're like "Hey mom." And she's like "Hey, how's my baby angel?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "I was just thinking of how my baby angel was doing." "Yeah, I've been good, but the people at work have been a little weird lately (Sniff)"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Well, you know what? They're jealous. They're jealous of you, Flash. They're Jealous."

(Laughter)

Flash: "Those people are lost souls."

(Laughter)

Flash: "And they want what you have. You know who your best friend is? Me."

(Laughter)

Flash: "Yes, give yourself a hug, cause you rule."

(Laughter)

Flash: "Thanks mom. You always know what to say." "Now here's your father." "DON'T DO THAT!"

(Laughter) 

Flash: Your dad gets on "Hey... What's goin on? Why do you sound like a babbling brook?"

(Laughter)

Flash: "Uh, I'm just having a tough day." "Oh? You're having a F***ing tough day? I'm in Korea."

(Laughter) 

Flash: "I'm having a tough life."

(Laughter) 

Flash: "You don't even know how many tears I cried. I could grow crops with my tears."

(Laughter) 

Flash: "Now take your dress off and end this little tea party."

(Laughter)

Flash: "No one gives a F*** if you're sad in this world. Now here's your mother." "(Holds phone away and Whines) AHH HA HA! Thanks dad, you make me feel so good."

(Laughter)

Flash: "By the way, I didn't even wanna have you, I just thought you should know that."

(Laughter) 

Flash: "You're a mistake. Now here''s your mom."

(Laughter)

Flash: Alright guys, have a good... er... life!

Sonic: That was the last chapter. Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
